At this moment in time...

I am half way through Uni.
A scary thought! The fact that in a year and a half the real world begins.
The unknown is exciting without a doubt but the worry also exists.
Unlike school the people I'm friends with I enjoy being with. Granted they have taught me lessons, some better than others, but the weirdest idea... That we will have bonded with these people for 3 years then what?
But then again I suppose already friends have come and gone sadly but I suppose I'm lucky in some sense that it's made me realise who I need and can rely on. I don't know what I would do without him,  when everyone else lets me down I can rely on him, thankfully.
For now though I shall enjoy the time I have left at Uni with the people I have surrounded myself with and will have to see what the future brings.

Dreams...

That seem so real you wake up believing its true
But it's one of those nightmares where someone you love so much dies
And you wake up crying,
Then the panic to see if it is true when you check your phone,
And even when you know it's not you stay crying for 10 mins as if it was.
Now wide awake and realising so much how much I appreciate, need and love him!


However not impressed that it's ruined my sleep... AGAIN
GO AWAY REOCCURRING NIGHTMARE

This weekend

After this weekend I feel so happy again and content. After all the upset and being down lately for various reasons all it took was for him to come home and have a brilliant happy loving weekend again. So happy right now and so in love.
Had some amazingly refreshing talks with two close friends that made me realise I don't need to regret anything it's all normal and that I should embrace what I have and I am going to. No one will get in my way now, determined. Although I wish I could say the same for Uni! This storm is kinda making me happy if it means time off lol
Feel so contented to have a brilliant boyfriend and three brilliant friends in my life to cheer me up when they know something wasn't right :D

Lessons I've learnt... So far

Don't take for granted what you have. Someday it won't be there.
If you've got something good, keep hold of it.
Look forward to even the smallest things and the big things will be amazing
Know whose got your back no matter what, and let them know you'd do the same
There's no point in getting angry... But it won't stop you wanting to punch someone in the face
Don't hold everything in, find someone who will listen and not judge.
As much as you love someone, you need friends too.
Tears help... It realises emotional tension, even though it seems they are happening too often.
Be yourself.... If they don't like it fuck them!
People change as much as you wish they didn't they do, but the best will always be there and come back to cheer you up.
You can regret what you've done... It's only normal.
Food is not the answer... But it helps!
Hugs help cheer me up.
I can be a very angry emotional person... But that's just me! 

What I would give....

To disappear with him, to leave everything behind right now.
To not be in this situation where I feel stuck, alone and unable to talk to those closest to me, and quite frankly stupid for letting someone make me feel like that.
To go back in time and not do what I've done and not say things I said....

After all it seems keeping quiet is the best option no matter who it is.

Emotional

Feels so strange, so emotional lately
Feel all over the place and confused on how I feel
Part of me just wants a clean slate

Thank you

For making me realise there is only one person I can trust and rely on,
That he will never let me down
For making me see that I'm not missing out, but that I have the best thing ever.
Now I know he is the only one that puts me first, who would care and worry.
He treats me like a princess and I know what he says is true.
I love him more than ever right now and yet he isn't even here.
Atleast now I've realised how lucky I am to have him :)

It's amazing..

How a day can change so much.
Although those feelings will still always be there
And nothing had really changed
A day has taught me to enjoy what you have not want something else
Not to give up just because it's not how you want it right now
And that I can still moan about being pushed and pulled
But doing something about it makes a difference
I've never stopped loving him, but the growth of loved stopped
As I was under the impression there was a massive issue that would ruin us.
Although it's still an issue and I'm still trying
It's one thing in so many that makes me love him and I shouldn't dwell on that.
I can't wait to grow up in the next few years... So exciting all the new stuff to come

Ramblings

Feeling wanted, then left out
Feeling loved while feeling unwanted
Feeling unsure of what to do, while knowing at the same time what I should do
Head over heart, or heart over head
Feeling let down, then feeling important

Not enjoying these mixed messages
Causing mixed feelings
From all angles :/

Fed up

Of being nice. All the bitching. Being stuck in the middle.

Don't you just love it when people ruin your good mood!

Coping

I have recently found coping methods very fascinating. After watching Whitechapel with DI Chandler having an elastic band that he pings when stressed (well before it broke) and his continuous washing, it made me wonder what methods I used to cope.
Most people reckon stress causes them to stop eating and lose weight... I wish! When stressed I eat more than ever, I got the comfort eating side!
I have realised the stress more lately and I see myself upset and crying, snapping and shouting most of the time without a coping method, always thinking the worst so I can't get any more upset/angry. Angry is something I never really was until lately and now half the time it's the want to physically do something to let out my rage, I normally say I want to punch someone but tbh it's pretty weak anyway!
However I don't actually think this works. 9 times out of 10 thinking of the worst scenario causes me more pain, more tears and more heart ache, but I can't help it.
I try to think of stupid funny situations but those sad emotions over ride and the bad thoughts over ride.
I think I need a better coping method.. Eating isn't working coz then I get upset at the size I am.
This is my project from now on... Let's hope it works!

My new favourite word : mind fuck

Seems appropriate lately 

Confusion

Right now everything seems a little confusing to me...
I feel kinda blonde
I just don't understand people, why they do what they do, say what they say and behave the way they do.
Maybe it's because I'm an outsider looking in,
Maybe I expect people to act in certain ways...

Either way people are mind boggling right now

Bad phase

I think my bad mood is coming to an end... Thank god!
It's probably where I tried to be too nice and cared too much or at least more than I should have.
The end of the week however was changed to a much happier time. Firstly I saw my oldest friends my two old next door neighbours who's main memory of me as a child is playing in the garden eating magic stars... Only to find when I saw them I had an empty packet of them in my pocket. One of the said "some people never change". This made me think, yeah people have annoyed me recently and it's caused me to get angry and upset but at the end of the day hopefully they have never changed and thinking back they are the same people that have been there for me at some point or other. It's the situation or moment in time that makes them appear different however I really hope they are still the same people underneath.
I don't exactly collect things in particular but I do keep hold of memories through either photos or little memorabilia. I have all the programmes from every musical, I have any tickets for anything I have ever been to, including school trips. But although I will carry on to keep hold of memory keep sakes it made me realise, it's the little memories that you have nothing material to remind them of you, but the sheer love from that memory of great times means you will hopefully never be forgotten.

I'm glad I'm happier again :)

Arghhhhhh!

Pissed off seems an understatement!
Such a joke and who knew it would cause so much trouble, fed up already!
Why can't there be something good to happen!!!
ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Effort

When you feel like you put all the effort in, when you take the time to make sure they are ok, trying to do the best you can for them and getting nothing like that back. Fed up of trying to be nice and I think it's starting to show its best not to pissed me off!
WARNING:   Jess is in a bad mood!!

This smile is becoming permanent

Apart from the shock of a loss of a wonderful man last week, this summer has caused a permanent smile on my face.
I know I have some amazing friends and Uni and am counting down the days till I'm back, different to last year and a thousand times better.
My holiday to Belgium/ Paris/ Disneyland was absolutely amazing and I wish I could go back! So many laughs and loving memories and I feel so lucky to have him by my side, being spoilt and feeling so deeply in love.
And to look forward to 2 weddings, being a bridesmaid and loving wearing my dress at every fitting and just feeling so excited for my future!
I don't want to be close to the end of Uni but the thought of doing what I've wanted, marriage, a house, kids etc is all getting more exciting the near it becomes..... Although not too soon for some of them!
I CAN'T WAIT!

Change

It's amazing how a place used to be somewhere to look forward to but in a few days you can dred going back. Blackpool was a place of many weeks or weekends away with family friends who were more like family than some of my family. The next time I'm there it's to say good bye to a man who always made us laugh, cheered us up and who made my brother normal for just one week last year during all his mental health problems.

 It's ridiculous how quick someone can be taken and its made me realise how much I want to achieve all the mile stones before someone I am close to leaves. His daughter gets married in under a month and I wouldn't want my dad miss my milestones.

Boom...

Next step... Training
I'm so excited that my career with in the criminal justice system has finally started!
Volunteering to mentor young offenders in prison will give me the experience and understanding of the area and I can not wait!
Yay :) already my degree is not a waste
Next step.... Pass next year with a 2:1 ... Fingers crossed

Too far away...

Today has made me wish that I lived closer to my friends, the down side of Uni is that everyone comes from all diff places and can't just pop up the road etc to see them, be there for them or the other way round.
But as long as they are there and we can talk its good enough right now.

I'm not so keen on growing up...

Atleast not right now.

Don't get me wrong the last year has been great, growing up, going to Uni, getting a volunteering placement at prison. The thought of a full time job excites me and marriage and having the family I know in 10 years time will be complete, no doubt.

But it's been this time away in a place we always used to come. Just outside Blackpool our family friends have always lived and we have always visited. It was great as a kid so exciting, a time where we always went out. But now being back, it's a bit deflated. The great big adventures are now slightly disappointing, mainly because we've done most things but also because every adventure was big when your only small. Also as you grow up so does very one else and with that comes the evils of old, the friends aren't in great health and so haven't accompanied us on our trips out. Mums back is bad so it's been difficult and well Kieran wasn't as fun as he used to be more annoying. Kind of looking forward to him growing up a little bit more truth be told.

It's made me realise that it's time for me to have adventure with the boyfriend like we do normally but that it's the end of the era of family holidays as such and that now a family holiday is with just him. in a few years time will develop into family holidays with our children, creating the big adventures I had, with them when they are still small enough to see everything as big and fascinating. I can't wait for this of course, as he well knows as I can be quite broody at times (possibly an understatement) but nevertheless part of me want to go back just for one last time before I have to make all the decisions and no one is there to guide me, after all I swear the boyfriend is more of a child in many way.... Let's hope he grows up soon ;)

How I come across...

I feel like when I started Uni or at work I come across as confident in myself and I never found it hard to talk to new people
HOWEVER
I can honesty say I am shitting myself for this interview. It's only volunteering but volunteering in something I one day hope to be paid to do! I want them to like me and feel like I can do what they want, know how hard I work at things and understand I want this more than anything right now. Let's hope I can portray a confident, enthusiastic, head strong, helpful student who they want as part of their team.... Bring on Friday I suppose.
:/

Summer 2013...

....is dragging like hell!!

But I am so looking forward to august...
4th-Bruges day trip :)
9th-12th- Paris :) and possibly Disneyland Paris :)

AND....bridesmaid dress fittings, still a little girl at heart loving trying on dresses and getting to make an effort and trying to look pretty :)

then after all that I will finally be back at Uni :)

just thought I'd share my excitement.

Everyone has their own Doctor Who...

Being at the Doctor Who 50 year proms on Sunday made me think. I believe everyone will have their own doctor at some point in their life. The person they can laugh with, have adventures and miss when they are not there, their companion through a period of time.
But much like Rosé Tyler and Amy Pond there is always a Mickey or Rory that they truly love and will always choose because of the history (more so Amy) and the reality of life in the long term.The Rory person may not be best pleased with their doctor but nevertheless the companion will stay with them for however long enjoying the time they spend with their doctor before leaving at somepoint, maybe with occasional contact like rosé but who knows.
It's a great relationship to have, the true companion where you both think as highly of each other.
Good old doctor who :)

I know I made the right decision...

Being up greenwich yesterday made me realise how much I made the right decision of where to go to university.

Although it wasnt originally my first choice and for years I believed I wanted to go to Bucks New Uni, when I visited the University of Greenwich because my other second choice was shockingly bad, I fell in love with the historical magnificence of it. Obviously this wasnt the only reason I remember meeting Suzie and thinking how lovely the staff were and how good the course was.

Since finishing I have missed the wonderful friends I have made, the laughs in lectures and seminars and the routine. Mainly due to boredom I have missed the routine but te friends side, it's not as easy to see everyone. Yesterday when I was up there I just wanted to go back up in the lovely weather, see my friends, have a laugh, a Chinese and all the things I love about being at that Uni with hose people. This is probably the reason I was upset when our good friend Elliott said he wasn't coming back. As a massive part of the group he will be missed.

Now I can't believe we only have 2 years left and the speed at which this year has gone it seems like it might be over in the blink of an eye, far too quick! All I hope is that there are more parties and abilities to go out as a group, go to wetherspoons or Chinese or the SU on the game machine and carry on all the things we've loved doing this past year but more.

In this area I am a very happy Jess... Only way to make it better .... A lovely holiday... But that might have to wait for next year :(

Thursday...

Was interesting to say the least!
After feeling I was probably a 5 at most and if I was lucky on the scale I'm apparently an 8 and I had 3 marriage proposals including one ring made from tin foil (thank you Liam!) and it being acknowledged that few of them would do me if I wanted!
Feeling a bit better about myself! However still wish I was that little bit thinner.
Apart from that also lots of fun! Weird conversations about body parts with Vicky and Ben! Although I feel Ben probably felt a little awkward at times lol.

I also wrote BNP on Bens head after making a Bulgarian believe he was racists in return for him drawing car whiskers on me and then finding out someone else found that a bit sexy!

Looking forward to the next one anyway!!

First Encounters...

The Boyfriend:
Study leave, May 2010, aged 16, him 15. After accidently adding me on facebook instead of some girl him and a friend met that day, we got talking. His friend harassing me to meet up I took an acquaintance with me in case they were weirdo and met up with him, and 4 friends, them playing football, us stood there not knowing what was going on. Prior to this he had already asked me to be on his team and as he rocked up in a yellow top and brown shorts ready for football he asked if I was still in his team. Following the meeting a friend gave me his number and after texting 'Hi this is Jess, had a nice time, hope you don't mind me having your number' his reply was 'Jess who?' a little disappointing having only left him less than 5 minutes prior yet this would be the first of many. Hours spent on MSN or his ebuddy on his ipod and we met up twice after this with the group. 31st May 2010 approx. 23.40pm after hours of talking he asked me to be his girlfriend after 11 days of knowing each other. We've been together ever since, through his training in Winchester, sixth form for me and now uni and I wouldn't change him for the world.

Ben:
I remember talking to him on our first day after I tore my name badge to leave out my middle name and change Jessica to Jess. From this he told me although he lives in London with his Dad he lived in Kent with his Mum. Then after trying to find him on facebook I failed and waited till we got talking more. Then after our first lecture I caught him having a coffee with a girl who was referred to ever since as 'Ben's girlfriend' I interrupted with 'is this a date?' and scared her off. Since then we formed our little group :)

Vicky:
After our first day Georgie, Jade and I went to the book shop to collect our bundles. This is where i really met Vicky for the first time. After talking about how slow the queue was going down and not knowing what to do, she came with us to Nando's for lunch where we learnt more about her.

Liam:
My first encounter that I remember of Liam was sitting next to him in a lecture to then ask 'Is that a calculator on your watch'  which it was and his reply being 'yes, I didn't have one when I was young so I thought I'd have one at the age of 23'. After this he asked me to sign him in our first psychology lecture and has been part of the group ever since.

Georgie and Jade:
Met them on the first days on the train and just stuck together in the new environment.

Dan and Elliott
Met these through Ben when the group came together and Elliott showed his true self to us

The Boyfriend and Friends

The Boyfriend
My best friend although my boyfriend first then became my boyfriend, I can honestly say I would be lost without him. We bother annoy each other but at the end of the day snuggles in bed seem to solve everything! He is the one person I tell everything to, has been there for me and I know that after a crap day he is still there for me. After meeting my friends yesterday, I am glad to say I got the thumbs up and now he might stop taking the mick out of me for having no friends!! although he does take the mic a lot and this has now involved my group of friends joining in, I can't say I don't do the same. I love him more than anything, he is my rock and I couldn't imagine not being with him, I would be bored and completely lost. Nearly 3 years, 3 trips to Scotland, 1 holiday to Lanzarote, 3 west end musicals, 1 rugby match, 2 football matches, various hotel trips and days out and I wouldn't change it for the world. Bring on the future.

So the friends.After bowling yesterday and spoons with two I have to say I feel like a proper group AND they've seen me out of uni, good times.

Vicky
One of my best friends from uni and now apparently my sex therapist, thanks to my boyfriend. Always there for me and I'm there for her with all her troubles lately. Laughs at the smallest things which I love including waffle! Just a lovely girl and I can't wait for her numerous parties.

Ben
One of the nicest boys you will meet. Always there for you and will always cheer you up. Any girl would be lucky to have him. Always tries his hardest and it will pay off! A little bit quirky with his odd shoes and different colours in his hair but always tried to cheer everyone up.

Liam
After a night a spoons we got to know each other more. He always looks out for me, which is nice to know, and always up for a laugh. He also puts up with my boyfriend and copes with him singing to bar maids and talking to his flat mates! Genuinely lovely and more sensitive than I think people realise. Looking forward to nights out with him and the rest of us.

Georgie
My train friend. Well half a train journey. Lovely girl, good work ethic and can put up with some people more than I can. Normally converse over coursework.

Dan
Quiz machines friend. Although it has given us bad habits but a lovely boy, leaves coursework till the last minute but at least he gets it done!

Elliott
Querky to say the least but his sex life is now often the main subject of our conversations as he has enlightened our group to all new aspects of sex. Just his own little self. Spending a lot of time in Brighton.


Tomorrow: First encounters  :)

Snow

Yes it is snowing
Yes I probably should have stayed indoors...

But we didn't we came to London to go bowling... They better realise my dedication to them! But wanted a day out on my day off...BOWLING!!