It's a rollacoaster of emotions..

Not sure how I feel lately,
although I'm always a bit confused, these new feelings are strange.
I've moan about how much he needs me for things like money etc, but now he is learning to do things without me and doing it well, I feel slightly redundant, like he isn't going to need me so therefore wont want me.
This isn't helping the worry about where he will end up. I may get annoyed and angry and really wish he was different, but now I'm wondering what will happen. I feel like I am nothing without him. I don't have the large friendship group I'm always with if he isn't here, because if he isn't here I feel so alone. I wish I had that group of friends sometimes, then others I remember how much a big group of girls annoys me (thanks all girls school for that). Its not like I don't have friends, I'm just not the one they are close with I'm "the other one".
I suppose its amazing how I have spent month wondering if I am with the right person now realising the idea of being on my own is scarier :/ oh well I'll never know.
Then again, I'll survive, I always do.
Be cheerier next week hopefully :)

I'm tired...

Of being the nice one,
Bending over backwards to help people,
Always being there...
And for what, to get moaned at, pushed to one side or forgotten about?
No thanks!
Makes you realise who really cares
And reiterates how I shouldn't put my trust in anyone
Too many times I've put my trust in a "friend"
Well no more
Back to holding everything in Jess
Maybe it was better that way!

I wish

Things weren't so long
Or complicated.

Thought I was happy now feeling down :(
Stupid emotions

... And the penny drops!

Ok, so this might get soppy and quite confusing to everyone but me because quite frankly I keep a lot to myself. There are many things, thoughts feelings I have kept to myself this last year. It's definitely not healthy but nevertheless I'm not about to spill all on here!

What I am going to put on here though is my latest revelation so that maybe when I have a relapse back to all these thoughts and feelings hopefully I can read this and re-realise.

I have spent the last year worrying and being so confused, quite bluntly.

I have had numerous periods of doubt about my relationship. Firstly it was about what I was missing out on. 3 years, now nearly 4, is a long time for someone of 19 nearly 20. It had never phased me before Uni I was happy. The lack of sex didn't help with all of this but it's the wonder, the excitement of all that fun again. Several things didn't help this situation either and I spent a lot of time moaning and snapping at him. I felt so confused and lonely, no one to turn to that I could just spill it all out onto. Arguments and upsets caused even more doubt, the wonder of he took me for granted  and if I deserved better. I think I thought I had  learnt to love him again, remembered the fun times we have the laughs and especially when I was ill he was there for me. However unfortunately this didn't last long and the feelings came back, the doubt. I won't lie several times I debated ending it, working out how to sort everything out. Then there would be the times he would be loving and caring again and I felt so confused. The tears that were shed end of last year, I'm surprised my bed isn't floating! It was a year of back and forth, not knowing if I was coming or going, unsure of what to do and I couldn't tell anyone how I felt about everything. Granted I told a few people very small parts but I felt ashamed to admit that I wasn't sure if what I was doing was right, if maybe I shouldn't be with him as well as all the other parts I'm not putting on here. Also the worry that without him I was nothing, I had very little and didn't want to be humiliated if he did leave me (selfish I know but fraud was possibly right we all have a selfish part somewhere), It took it's toll on me and tbh the relationship too, not helping the new year away being the most stressful unfun holiday I have ever been on (at least I learnt my lesson!). 

Yes I know I've ranted on here about him, he causes me frustration and upset, and before last year I told myself that is every relationship especially after this long. I think I'm back to that thinking. For some reason tonight the penny dropped. It could have been him actually opening up to me last night and talking to me about his feelings for once, it could have just been me clearing my head, him being away among other things that must be kept a secret. Nevertheless, I think I know now, I don't need to worry about him leaving me and being left with nothing because he loves me the way I am. I used to be thin now quite frankly I've filled out, and he still loves me. He puts up with me and I do the same back. I can't envisage myself living with anyone else or having the family and the wedding I have to admit we talk about so often and get so excited about before realising we have to wait a while. We do make each other happy and we do laugh and I know he cares about me.

I thought I'd lost that love for him I had at the start but I never did, it was hidden beneath the realisation that I don't just fancy him and it's not the lust like at the start of a relationship, I do love him. It's not about never arguing, always being smily. It's about the person who cares, who will be there, who makes you cry with anger because you care so much, the person that the minute they are away you genuinely miss them, not for the sex etc but for the little things. 

I hope I never go back to that place of confusion and upset. It wasn't him that caused it it was me, worrying and wondering. I don't think I need to do that anymore. After all no one else would have me and I don't think I want them to anyway because I have the person I love already.

P.s sorry for the soppiness but makes a change from the ranting and although I haven't told all and explained everything it got it off my chest so thanks for reading if anyone does. 

I. GIVE. UP!

How can one person cause me so much stress
And be so stupid and irresponsible!
No "together" about it all about him!
Fucked off!

I just want...

A hug,
In bed,
Watching tv or a film,
Having a laugh,
All snuggled in pyjamas.
Without someone aggravating me
Too much to ask for?

Confusion

You annoy me and irritate me,
But I love you.
You wind me up, moan at me, shout and swear at me,
But I'll still miss you.
I wonder what my life would be like without you,
But then we have a laugh and I never want you to leave my side.
Head fuck much!?