'Bestfriend'

The term best friend has very little significance anymore. After school I learnt that people just come and go are rarely stay, no matter how much you try or how much effort you put in.

First there was one who knew me for 13 years. There were sleepovers, parties, birthday presents, days out with each other's families, days out together, midnight feasts everything. Unfortunately no matter how hard I may have tired this faded when we left school and in the 2 years since I've seen her twice and I might get a reply by text every 6 months. Although when we see each other it is like nothing has changed, its not a best friend relationship because we aren't there to talk.

In between there have been the few who I considered good friends however these were not the types of relationships that ended in us being that close, never really the best friend just another friend.

More recently I became really good friends with some one out of the blue. Like before we would go out and just talk, I could talk to her about anything. She was round mine till 12 watching crap on T.V. I had the girlie talks again. It was refreshing. However now it seems it has turned one way no matter how much I am there for her.

I've given up with all of that now. The closest I have is my boyfriend, he makes me happy, makes me laugh, know how to cheer me up and I can rely on him.

From now on I rely on no one except him and my family, seems I will get less hurt that way!
Rant over!

I've realised

I trust very few,
I'm actually quite secretive,
I'm not very open about myself to others,
And that I miss having that bestfriend who I can be myself around.

How odd life is that one night out with a few girls can make you realised so much about yourself!
Think change is needed :/

Tumblr

Is slowly becoming my favourite over this now! Might be time to move on... However my tumblr is slightly cringy! Hmmm maybe not yet.

4 years ago

I was a size 10, about to embark on my GCSEs when I met the person I love more than anything!
Today was 4 years since we first met. A friend and I had spoken to these boys on MSN after they added the wrong Jessica and they wanted to meet us. Although a little dodgy and really as part of procrastination we went to a field near a pub and sport centre just so we were safe to meet them. We held back a bit and tried to spy to see if they were normal or not. After realising we weren't going to get raped as they were playing football we walked up to them. I had first spoken to a boy called Tom who wanted to meet me and got me to add his friend Cameron. I had been speaking to both of them but it was Tom who really wanted to meet. He decided it would be a good idea to play football to which me and my friend weren't too amused by. Nevertheless Cameron asked me to be on his team, I told him he would regret it and he soon did after seeing my skills or lack of more like! After a few hours, only one game of football and a lot of talking we all had to go back for dinner. We walked home with two other boys who asked me if I liked any of the other two (Tom or Cameron). Now this whole time Cameron made me laugh, put up with my crap football skills, helped me down a bank and compared to Tom seemed to be a nice person. I explained that to one of the boys who then gave me his number. After long deliberation I text Cameron saying "hi it's Jess this is my number" his reply unfortunately was "Jess who". I'm not going to lie my heart sank a bit, It wasn't that I liked him so much I was gutted but I just thought I hadn't made a big enough impression on him! That night I explained who and we sat up talking on MSN. We met up with the group a week later, again Cameron made me laugh and regardless of him being ill told me he had only come to see me. 11 days after that first meeting Cameron asked me to be his girlfriend! A little soon some would say but I wouldn't change it for the world! Four years later and it hasn't been the easiest, we've had out ups and downs but we've had the best times ever too, he still makes me laugh and cares enough to help me. It's just different now, I feel safer, I know he is there and loves me no matter what. Now we look to the future, constantly talking of houses and weddings and to be really honest the one thing both of us want more than anything, children! He is my bestfriend (as cheesy as it is) and neither of us can say we have been the most perfect boyfriend and girlfriend but we've learnt from our mistakes together. No matter who comes into my life I've learnt that they will never mean as much to me and Cameron.
Alright it's not our 4 years today but it's just amazing how much two people can change in such a short space of time!
Shame I'm not still a size 10 though!

I am so ready...

To grow up!
I just want to forget all the stupid times, all the mistakes.
I want to grow up, have all the things grown ups have.
First a job, a car, a house, get married and finally the most important ... Children!
I don't know what it is lately that just makes me want the next 5 years to hurry up.
To say I'm not scared/worried/anxious would be a lie. I am. I really hope the stability come with my job and him leaving his to do a proper well paid job. Growing up together but this time properly, the boring saving bits that we will hate but love when it means we can have our own place, our sofa to snuggle up on, out kitchen to cook in. I just can't wait. Not helped by the fact I have become so broody, not helped by the amount of babies about and family babies coming up as well as my best friend telling me just to have one! But sensible Jess knows that that will have to wait till the end of my 5 year plan, after all I am the one who has just had the implant replaced so no babies for three years :(.
I can't wait to finish Uni, I've had enough of education I want to make a difference all the time not just on my prison days. I want a proper job not McDonald's.
Wish things would just hurry up and go to plan, my five year plan :)

This weeks viewing

Being ill on Monday and still not feeling great has led me to watch many a weird and wonderful programme!
I have watched

“sex please, were British” about the sex toy industry

“Strippers” you guessed it about strippers in Scotland

“Three’s not a crowd” about the boom in open relationships.

“Dogging diaries” about dogging

“My daughter the teen nudist” about nudists

And ofc "One Born Every Minute" love that programme!
I do love channel 4 for their programmes and must say it has open my eyes, and yes before you say it they are all of some sexual nature, but it’s just so weird how “the other half live” sometimes. I must add however sometimes these things have an appeal and look exciting and other times I find myself wondering why the hell I am watching what I’m watching. Nevertheless it was an eye opener I suppose, whether it has broadened my knowledge or made me a better person I don’t know but hey I was ill which meant watching this crap and the normal 4 in a Bed and Come Dine with Me. It’s been a good week…. Now back to stressing about essays!

Student joys!

:D

So happy right now,
Melty and soppy but wouldn't change it.
Think good decisions have been made,
Realisations realised
And this is the result.
This is my fresh start :D woo

How good...

Would it be just to start again,
Reinvent yourself,
Just the two of us,
Can't wait to grow up,
Leave the shit behind :)
Year and half to go then it's grown up Jess time :D

I've decided...

I'm 20 in 2 months exactly so I've decided I'm going to make some changes...

1.Firstly (although don't hold me to this because I may go back on it), I'm getting rid of the red and back to dark brown the next time I dye my hair
2. Carrying on with the hair theme, I am not a hair dresser and should stop trying to trim my fringe... It never works out well.
3. To appreciate who I have in my life, who cares about me the same I as do them, can't be doing with a one way thing!
4. That my 20's are going to be an expensive time (marriage, kids, house etc hopefully) so regardless of the saving I have already after this years holiday I'm saving big time! To help towards moving out OR Disney world.
5. To follow what I really want but only when I'm sure, not letting my heart rule my head (other than on the Disney World holiday)
6. To evaluate who I need and want in my life, that are going to stay with me through out this decade and longer and get rid of those who I don't need.
7. To stop trying to help everyone and focus on me, maybe selfish but I've realised bending over backwards for people all the time isn't worth it because they rarely ever appreciate it.
8. To be positive about getting a job and starting a career in something I love doing, to be confident that I am capable and enjoy it before I decide to start the whole family thing.
9. To try not to be so emotional and cry all the time, need to toughen up because no matter how much people think they know me, and I'm apparently not soft hearted, I think you'd be surprised behind closed doors what I'm like, how upset the small things make me and how peoples opinions really effect me. If only walls could talk and all that!
10.Finally, no matter how old I get, like Peter Pan, I never have to grow up inside!

I've got a good feeling about this, let's put it into action ready!
I'm getting prepared for the busiest, most fascinating and exciting decade of my life so far I think.
Let's hope it starts out well and I can put all my younger mistakes behind me :)
Chin up

It's a rollacoaster of emotions..

Not sure how I feel lately,
although I'm always a bit confused, these new feelings are strange.
I've moan about how much he needs me for things like money etc, but now he is learning to do things without me and doing it well, I feel slightly redundant, like he isn't going to need me so therefore wont want me.
This isn't helping the worry about where he will end up. I may get annoyed and angry and really wish he was different, but now I'm wondering what will happen. I feel like I am nothing without him. I don't have the large friendship group I'm always with if he isn't here, because if he isn't here I feel so alone. I wish I had that group of friends sometimes, then others I remember how much a big group of girls annoys me (thanks all girls school for that). Its not like I don't have friends, I'm just not the one they are close with I'm "the other one".
I suppose its amazing how I have spent month wondering if I am with the right person now realising the idea of being on my own is scarier :/ oh well I'll never know.
Then again, I'll survive, I always do.
Be cheerier next week hopefully :)

I'm tired...

Of being the nice one,
Bending over backwards to help people,
Always being there...
And for what, to get moaned at, pushed to one side or forgotten about?
No thanks!
Makes you realise who really cares
And reiterates how I shouldn't put my trust in anyone
Too many times I've put my trust in a "friend"
Well no more
Back to holding everything in Jess
Maybe it was better that way!

I wish

Things weren't so long
Or complicated.

Thought I was happy now feeling down :(
Stupid emotions

... And the penny drops!

Ok, so this might get soppy and quite confusing to everyone but me because quite frankly I keep a lot to myself. There are many things, thoughts feelings I have kept to myself this last year. It's definitely not healthy but nevertheless I'm not about to spill all on here!

What I am going to put on here though is my latest revelation so that maybe when I have a relapse back to all these thoughts and feelings hopefully I can read this and re-realise.

I have spent the last year worrying and being so confused, quite bluntly.

I have had numerous periods of doubt about my relationship. Firstly it was about what I was missing out on. 3 years, now nearly 4, is a long time for someone of 19 nearly 20. It had never phased me before Uni I was happy. The lack of sex didn't help with all of this but it's the wonder, the excitement of all that fun again. Several things didn't help this situation either and I spent a lot of time moaning and snapping at him. I felt so confused and lonely, no one to turn to that I could just spill it all out onto. Arguments and upsets caused even more doubt, the wonder of he took me for granted  and if I deserved better. I think I thought I had  learnt to love him again, remembered the fun times we have the laughs and especially when I was ill he was there for me. However unfortunately this didn't last long and the feelings came back, the doubt. I won't lie several times I debated ending it, working out how to sort everything out. Then there would be the times he would be loving and caring again and I felt so confused. The tears that were shed end of last year, I'm surprised my bed isn't floating! It was a year of back and forth, not knowing if I was coming or going, unsure of what to do and I couldn't tell anyone how I felt about everything. Granted I told a few people very small parts but I felt ashamed to admit that I wasn't sure if what I was doing was right, if maybe I shouldn't be with him as well as all the other parts I'm not putting on here. Also the worry that without him I was nothing, I had very little and didn't want to be humiliated if he did leave me (selfish I know but fraud was possibly right we all have a selfish part somewhere), It took it's toll on me and tbh the relationship too, not helping the new year away being the most stressful unfun holiday I have ever been on (at least I learnt my lesson!). 

Yes I know I've ranted on here about him, he causes me frustration and upset, and before last year I told myself that is every relationship especially after this long. I think I'm back to that thinking. For some reason tonight the penny dropped. It could have been him actually opening up to me last night and talking to me about his feelings for once, it could have just been me clearing my head, him being away among other things that must be kept a secret. Nevertheless, I think I know now, I don't need to worry about him leaving me and being left with nothing because he loves me the way I am. I used to be thin now quite frankly I've filled out, and he still loves me. He puts up with me and I do the same back. I can't envisage myself living with anyone else or having the family and the wedding I have to admit we talk about so often and get so excited about before realising we have to wait a while. We do make each other happy and we do laugh and I know he cares about me.

I thought I'd lost that love for him I had at the start but I never did, it was hidden beneath the realisation that I don't just fancy him and it's not the lust like at the start of a relationship, I do love him. It's not about never arguing, always being smily. It's about the person who cares, who will be there, who makes you cry with anger because you care so much, the person that the minute they are away you genuinely miss them, not for the sex etc but for the little things. 

I hope I never go back to that place of confusion and upset. It wasn't him that caused it it was me, worrying and wondering. I don't think I need to do that anymore. After all no one else would have me and I don't think I want them to anyway because I have the person I love already.

P.s sorry for the soppiness but makes a change from the ranting and although I haven't told all and explained everything it got it off my chest so thanks for reading if anyone does. 

I. GIVE. UP!

How can one person cause me so much stress
And be so stupid and irresponsible!
No "together" about it all about him!
Fucked off!

I just want...

A hug,
In bed,
Watching tv or a film,
Having a laugh,
All snuggled in pyjamas.
Without someone aggravating me
Too much to ask for?

Confusion

You annoy me and irritate me,
But I love you.
You wind me up, moan at me, shout and swear at me,
But I'll still miss you.
I wonder what my life would be like without you,
But then we have a laugh and I never want you to leave my side.
Head fuck much!?