What I am going to put on here though is my latest revelation so that maybe when I have a relapse back to all these thoughts and feelings hopefully I can read this and re-realise.
I have spent the last year worrying and being so confused, quite bluntly.
I have had numerous periods of doubt about my relationship. Firstly it was about what I was missing out on. 3 years, now nearly 4, is a long time for someone of 19 nearly 20. It had never phased me before Uni I was happy. The lack of sex didn't help with all of this but it's the wonder, the excitement of all that fun again. Several things didn't help this situation either and I spent a lot of time moaning and snapping at him. I felt so confused and lonely, no one to turn to that I could just spill it all out onto. Arguments and upsets caused even more doubt, the wonder of he took me for granted and if I deserved better. I think I thought I had learnt to love him again, remembered the fun times we have the laughs and especially when I was ill he was there for me. However unfortunately this didn't last long and the feelings came back, the doubt. I won't lie several times I debated ending it, working out how to sort everything out. Then there would be the times he would be loving and caring again and I felt so confused. The tears that were shed end of last year, I'm surprised my bed isn't floating! It was a year of back and forth, not knowing if I was coming or going, unsure of what to do and I couldn't tell anyone how I felt about everything. Granted I told a few people very small parts but I felt ashamed to admit that I wasn't sure if what I was doing was right, if maybe I shouldn't be with him as well as all the other parts I'm not putting on here. Also the worry that without him I was nothing, I had very little and didn't want to be humiliated if he did leave me (selfish I know but fraud was possibly right we all have a selfish part somewhere), It took it's toll on me and tbh the relationship too, not helping the new year away being the most stressful unfun holiday I have ever been on (at least I learnt my lesson!).
Yes I know I've ranted on here about him, he causes me frustration and upset, and before last year I told myself that is every relationship especially after this long. I think I'm back to that thinking. For some reason tonight the penny dropped. It could have been him actually opening up to me last night and talking to me about his feelings for once, it could have just been me clearing my head, him being away among other things that must be kept a secret. Nevertheless, I think I know now, I don't need to worry about him leaving me and being left with nothing because he loves me the way I am. I used to be thin now quite frankly I've filled out, and he still loves me. He puts up with me and I do the same back. I can't envisage myself living with anyone else or having the family and the wedding I have to admit we talk about so often and get so excited about before realising we have to wait a while. We do make each other happy and we do laugh and I know he cares about me.
I thought I'd lost that love for him I had at the start but I never did, it was hidden beneath the realisation that I don't just fancy him and it's not the lust like at the start of a relationship, I do love him. It's not about never arguing, always being smily. It's about the person who cares, who will be there, who makes you cry with anger because you care so much, the person that the minute they are away you genuinely miss them, not for the sex etc but for the little things.
I hope I never go back to that place of confusion and upset. It wasn't him that caused it it was me, worrying and wondering. I don't think I need to do that anymore. After all no one else would have me and I don't think I want them to anyway because I have the person I love already.
P.s sorry for the soppiness but makes a change from the ranting and although I haven't told all and explained everything it got it off my chest so thanks for reading if anyone does.
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